Choosing Your Emotions Instead of Letting Them Choose You
As seen on the Huffington Post
You may have read my essay about my marital crisis in the Modern Love column…
You may have read my essay about my marital crisis in the New York Times Modern Love column in August of 2009 called “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear” or possibly read my memoir, “This Is Not The Story You Think It Is: A Season of Unlikely Happiness” (Amy Einhorn/Putnam) on the same subject. When I sat down to write my way through this time of my life, I never dreamed that it would deliver a twenty year dream: book publication, New York Times bestseller list, book tour, national television, foreign translations, the whole thing. I had surrendered that dream and learned that to hold onto it was to suffer in a place of wanting and not having. I had been a willful victim for too many years and had finally dedicated myself to making powerful emotional choices in my life. A rejection from a publisher didn’t mean that I was a bad writer or that my work would forever fall between the cracks. I was sick of that level of emotional suffering and I had changed my way of relating to the world. My happiness was inside me. Period.
So when a different kind of rejection came my way in words that none of us wants to hear and most of us dread: I don’t love you anymore…even though they came from my dear husband’s mouth after 15 years of what I considered to be a loving marriage, even though they were shocking and hurtful, I knew that I could employ the same philosophy I’d been working with in my writing life, and not let them take me down. There began my “season of unlikely happiness.”
He wanted to leave. I knew he was running scared due to career failure and my gut told me this was a crisis of self that he was transferring on to me. So I decided to give him the space to work through it…and he took it. He didn’t move out. He took his problems to nature, fishing, camping, hiking in the Rocky Mountains where we live. He was distant, unreliable, and sometimes cruel. But I knew that if I took it all personally, and reacted to the drama, that I would be in pain and I didn’t want that. My job was to take care of myself and surrender the future of my marriage, even though I deeply loved this man. Holding the space for him to heal was the best way I could show him that love, regardless of whether or not he came back as an equal loving partner.
But it wasn’t always easy. My inner critic wanted blood. She told me lies. Lots of them. “You are being a door mat! You need to hire a private detective! You need to demand he see a therapist! You need to kick his a** out!!!” But my greater instincts told me that my real work was to let go and to focus on creating positive moments with my children, hiking in the mountains, picking huckleberries, digging in the garden, cooking big feasts, playing games on the screen porch. Of course there were times I needed to rage and cry, and I did that alone on my horse in the woods or at four in the morning when the panic and fear hit hard and I couldn’t seem to quiet my mind. That’s when my inner critic was loudest. “I don’t love you any more means you are unlovable. You will lose everything–full custody of your children, your animals, your house, your car. You will end up alone. ” But I knew my work was to replace that victim’s voice with positive thinking, moment by moment, breath by breath, heart beat by heart beat. Over and over I would say to myself “I am enough. I am enough.” Even when I didn’t believe it. And it worked. I felt a peace in that time of my life I’d never known.
My husband and I healed through this crisis, but that’s not what my book is about. It’s about choice. It’s about the myth of where our power lies. It’s about personal freedom. It’s about letting go. I would hope that even if our marriage hadn’t made it, I would still be able to practice this philosophy and have the same personal results.
In the last year since my book’s publication, I have had the opportunity to travel the country doing readings. I have loved the experience because it has given me a chance to see how universal truths and empowering stories can inspire the same results in people, regardless of where they are in life or what social or religious group they come from. In fact, the same questions come up over and over. I’d like to share the most common one with you here because it says so much about where we’re stuck in our thinking and how we get in our own way.
People want to know: how is it possible to not take those words personally?
And my answer is: no one can cause you to have an emotion. It’s playground politics all over again. No one can “make” you mad or feel guilty or cry or laugh. Physically, yes, a black eye is a black eye. But emotionally, it’s always a choice. I read somewhere recently that we have around 60,000 thoughts a day and something like 75-80 % of them are negative. That doesn’t surprise me one bit. We have chosen to become emotional victims and I think it’s because there’s a pay-off to it. We get to be right. We have told ourselves a story a long time ago that we are powerful when we________. Or conversely, not powerful when we are not__________. And then we let those equations run our lives and determine our perceptions and reactions so that we can prove our story true. Our inner critic screams, megaphone to our heart: “See, I told you the world sucks. I told you you would fail. I told you you are powerless.”
But what if we chose to see that our real power is in loving ourselves, even when we are at our worst? That we are enough. What if we turned that inner critique into a cheerleader? What would happen? My answer: we would find the freedom of the present moment.
In my book I ask this question: we all want to be free, don’t we? And when I read this out loud at my speaking engagements, whether it’s at a high-end fundraiser or a college or a high school or a senior center or a YMCA or a JCC…people look at me with the same confusion in their brow. Personal freedom is a new concept to many of us. It was to me, that’s for sure, until I stopped letting things outside my control like the publishing industry, and then later, my husband’s love for me, define my well-being or self-worth. I have learned that for the most part, people don’t know that they’re not free. People don’t know they are suffering. They are so used to their inner critic that they don’t even know she/he exists.
I had to name her to really become aware of her. And she was LOUD. (Especially bathing suit shopping!) But she didn’t have to be. When I finally realized that she was just a scared little girl running amuck in my brain, I treated her like she was exactly that, and I hugged her and let her riff…and oddly enough, or maybe not so oddly enough, she got quiet. I loved her into submission.
And I was left with a simple question: What can I create…in this moment? I’ve created being miserable. That no longer feels good. So what if I get to be right. I’m sick of that pay-off. I’d rather create something that works in my life. That feels easy and natural and simple and good. There is intense freedom in powerfully choosing to create happiness in your life. No matter what people are saying to you or what’s going on in your mind or in your life. And it doesn’t mean that we have to go outside ourselves or travel across oceans. All our happiness is right there at our kitchen sink, driving our kids around, sitting in our office chair, totally available to us.
I am about to go out on tour again for the paperback of my book, and I am so honored to know that my story may inspire more people to meet their lives powerfully and freely, especially when they’re in crisis. Especially if they are being told they are unloved by the one they love.
Laura, it seems to me your writing on this topic is getting more and more powerful. I loved the first essay in NYT, loved the book, but this piece just goes straight to the heart of the dilemma and immediately peels it back to let the light in. Whew. Good stuff. Thanks for writing it. And thanks in advance for the next one!
I’m so glad you think so, Susan. After a year of talking about this and listening to discussion, I have really learned what the take away is for people and I’ve really learned how to get to the heart of the matter in a way that hopefully is illuminating for people and not just my personal musings. I ain’t no therapist, but I do have a strong handle on this practice of getting aware of your inner critic, and learning where the real power and freedom lies. Thanks for reading! yrs. Laura
Not only nails it but drives it home!!! When I share your book with someone I tell them “It is not solely a story about a relationship crisis or breakup, but rather, a book about choice. Choosing to surrender what is beyond your control and focus on what you can. It is a book about living into yourself.”
Personally I have been working through my own crisis for the past few years. I have made so very much progress. . Your book had found me at the absolute perfect time during the process. The message was so very loud and so very clear. It was for me one of those “Ahhaaa” moments that Oprah speaks about. I now live in a world of illumination rather than despair.
I will be forever grateful to you for sharing your story….
Kathy, I’m so glad you understand how powerful it is to become aware of our emotions and how we choose them. It’s a constant practice. Thanks for the reminder. yrs. Laura
Laura, it has taken me a while to realize this fact.Emotions are our choice. Recently a thought crossed my mind. If I was to add up all of the minutes, hours, days, weeks that I spent harboring anger, resentment and despair, cumulatively, how many YEARS of my life have I spent in this unproductive and destructive space? Honestly, what an eye opener this was. All of this time that I can never ever get back. This was a huge revelation and a tremendous step in my personal growth process. Now I choose to acknowledge the times that I have these type of feelings, understand the reason why…………and release them and continue to move forward. As always, Kathy
Laura, as I go through my own similar situation I find that much to my surprise I do have more power over my happiness than I thought. Even with the rejection and the urges to just fight it out with him I have found moments of complete joy. I realized one thing that would help me stay focused was a project, much the way you wrote your book, so I’ve begun a private blog sharing my struggles and a daily project photographing all the mundane yet precious items that make up our home. I would love to share it with you. Do you have a public email address where I could send you an invitation to view it?
I picked up your book at our library and as I read it I am letting out “Oh, My Gosh’s” as my husband has said many of the same things or acted in similar ways. It must be the way of men going through midlife struggles.
Hi, Gina. Thanks for letting me know. I love your idea and practice of photographing the mundane. The mundane is sacred in ways we don’t realize. Please do send me the link. I’d love to share in your good work. yrs. Laura laura@lauramunsonauthor.com
It is unimaginal that so many simple words could hold such signifcant meaning.Being struck off guard so to speak and landing at the most vulnerable spot in my life has left me distraught, weak and functionless at times with bouts of panic and fear that dont even represent who I am as a person. It scared me. To think emotionally I do have a choice and to take care of myself and surrender the future of my marriage brought me such peace….instantly. I will hold the “space” and focus on me and that it will somehow be okay either way. How do I thank you for that? Im off to buy the book and figure out how to love myself again. I am enough!!
Caroline, thanks for finding me. I’m so glad you are in a place to receive this universal truth. You ARE enough. I hope my book helps you. Sometimes pain is our greatest guide. yrs. Laura
Hi Laura.
I would love you to read my book, “The Lottery Code.”
It is a divine inspiration which I am sharing freely with the world.
If you doubt that God speaks to us, now you can read my book and
judge for yourself.
Thanks for letting me know, Lorraine. I’d love to know more about your book. Good title, btw! yrs. Laura
hi laura just finished your book for the second time. i have recently made the decision to end my marriage of 26 years. my husband has gone through the whole job problems and we have together chased his perfect job for the past 10 years. he has refused to seek counselling and i have finally decided that i can no longer chase his happiness i must look after mine and my children. to not allow my happiness be controlled by things which i cannot control. I have like other readers started writing down my own thoughts and it is a very cathartic experience, i have also been surprised how easy it is to write. somehow easier to express things on paper as we don’t have the filters we apply to our conversations. thanks so much for your book. it has helped me see a way forward and to stop blaming anyone for my past problems just accept and move forward.
thanks again and good luck in your future
Dianne, good for you for seeing that there’s no real pay off in the blame zone. You are a living example of what it is to be responsible for what you can control and move on. I hope this summer brings some beautiful moments wherein you can recognize how brave you are and be kind to yourself. yrs. Laura
Laura, you are my hero. My husband said the same thing to me a few weeks ago. I am following your lead. I am not sure if my outcome will be the same as yours, but I can tell you, I feel empowered. I am responsible for my own happiness and that of my children. They will be ok because I will be ok. Your book is my bible. I made notes, I highlighted..I can’t wait to reread it. As a teenager, Judy Blume was my hero. She got me…As an adult, you have taken over the reins from Ms. Blume..Thank you
Maria– WOW! Thank you! I’m so glad my book found you. And Judy Blume, no less. That is a high compliment. It’s great when people truly understand the message of my book and you do. It’s all about empowerment and letting go of outcome. That’s where the freedom lies and that is my wish for you, no matter what happens to your marriage– freedom. My very best to you from Montana. yrs. Laura
Your column reinforces my recent experiences with my husband of 14 years; we have been estranged for some time. We have (of course) both been at fault, however at the root of our problems is the manner in which he prioritizes his emotions above actions and behavior. What he is chasing is not happiness, it is misery, and by lying, infidelity, and disrespectful and negligent treatment of me he is ensuring that misery will continue. He will not agree to counselling, because of his fear of being held accountable for his actions. But it is entirely under his control to behave differently, and it is his choice to continue behaviors which perpetuate his unhappiness. As it is entirely under my control to behave differently and choose a happier path for my children and me. The idea of a summer of fun is a great one, and I’ll remember to reinforce to our children that their father has decided to by unhappy, that we do not have to make that same choice, and that what he chooses is not our fault or responsibility to fix. We can feel sad for him, but we have no obligation to share in his misery.